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What?  Very well, .we'll remove the gag, but you have to promise to stop screaming.
 

 

 
 

Sneelock Mythery

Buggery

Elephant Mickies

The Dead, Grateful or not

...Ah, um, this other, ah, topic

 
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Subject: God's Batphone
Thanks for joining me, God almighty for a special edition of God's Batphone.
Well, I see the Batphone is all lit up so why don't we just take our
first call?

Hello? Caller? What's your first name, where are you calling from and
what's your question?
Hi, my name's Brattleby, i'm from the future and i'd like to know why my dog
doesn't like to mate.

Hi Brattleby, I hear the future is really lovely this time of year!
As for your dog, well, you know, dog spelled backwards is god and
personally, well I can't get any respect, you know what I mean?
Yesterday I sneezed and somebody said "Go Bless Yourself!"
Come to think of it, does your dog ever sneeze?
Maybe I'm your dog! Have you ever seen the two of us in the room at
the same time?
[God is temporarily distracted by a Simpson's episode]
"...don't worry! i'm not a 'stabbin' hobo, i'm a singin hobo!"
Thanks for calling! Did you know that hobo spelled backwards is oboh?

Might I suggest either a career in woodwinds or, at the very least,
frozen meatball sandwiches!
[One of the benefits of being god is that the cartoons can converse with you]
...are you a pro god or just working your way thru school?
Well, I'm not sure. You see, I work in mysterious ways!
One things for sure - I'm workin' my way through this Roast Beef sandwich!
Pro spelled backwards is Orp!
That's the sound I"M gonna be makin' here in a minute.
Excuse me a sec...

[Next on the line, Lil' Tommy]
God, I've been trying to reach you for years. 
You got a problem with voice mail?

Listen, can I have a bigger penis next time?  
Next time? Hah! I mean yeah, o.k. sure!

...A steel one that shoots missiles and has real cool blinking lights?  
I'll drop those in the suggestion box. A serious overhaul of the penis
is under way even as we speak. So many broads have been complaining
about being let down, blinking lights and missiles are splendid
suggestions! I've got all those dead German scientists down there, I
might as well give 'em somethin' to do.

And no balls. Balls suck. They hurt like hell when people kick 'em.
Not if you kick 'em JUST right.
Besides, I like 'em.
Probably about the ugliest damn thing goin'
They've kinda grown on me like those pictures of the sad kitty cats
with the BIG eyes.
I LOVE them damn pictures! 
I've got 'em hangin' all over the place up here!

[Huh?]  Oh, my mom says, next time give me a smaller head, I guess the
old noggin put ma through some trauma. 
Let's get something straight.
If I start lettin' you guys muddle through without any pain or shame
or anything then things are gonna get pretty boring for ME! Kapish?
Then again it's not as big as Rosie O'Donald's. Does Rosie O'Donald have a big penis... is that
like, a theme with you?  Big head, little penis, big head, little
penis...

I'm not givin' away any trade secrets for cryin' out loud! Maybe you'd
like Colonel Sanders 11 herbs and spices while you're at it!

...My little brother wants you to turn his hand into a...[What?]
...I can't ask god that you little perv.

Tell your brother for me, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

I've got some other stuff to say, but Dragon Ballz is coming on...
Want to know how it ends? 


L.T. thanks for your call.

Let's go to line number 9!

[God this Herbie from Texas, and he sounds a little upset]
hello why do men have nipples?
Well caller, what can I say?
I went through a  nipple phase o.k.?
Hell I was puttin' em on everything. I guess I just thought they were
fun to play with.
I ended up goin' back and takin' em all off though.
I took em off all the mountains and trees and prairie chucks and
everything!
Only ones I left were the ones somebody had some use for.
Don't forget, my agents are everywhere, I know you guys like to play
with em when you think nobody's lookin'.

I wonder if I still got a pair layin' around here somewhere?  

 

 
 

Subject: Godammit Pinocchio!

Get your god damned little wooden ass out of your god damned bed and
get the god damned hell to school!

Now! 

Jiminy God Damned Cricket

 

 
 
Subject: William F. Buckley Eats a Bug!
Crunch!
munch munch munch.
Gulp.
(he smacks his lips)

Ah yes!
A certain piquant majesty reminiscent of... 
(he suddenly widens his eyeballs)
bucolic trailblazing campfires of old!
(big smile)
might I trouble you for another?


W.F.B.

 

 
 
Subject: Joan Rivers Eats Half a Bug!
Yeah sure o.k.!
Let me see it first!
Oh!
Oh! It's a big one!
You got anything smaller?
No?
It's ugly too!
Reminds me of Minnie Driver in a caftan at the Golden Globes!
Can't you at least cut it in half?
Theres a good boy!

Munch Crunch
(she talks with her mouth full)
I've had worse!
Reminds me of the canapes Jeanne Kasim made last Fall!

Gulp!

Hey, where you taking that?
Leave it!
(she raises her voice)
OH MELISSA! COME HERE! YOUR MOTHER NEEDS YOU DARLING!

J.R.

 

 
 
Subject: Geraldo Rivera Eats a Bug!
O.K.?
Is everybody ready?
You sure you got film in the cameras?
(we don't, we lied)

O.K. Roll 'em!

Ahem.

They keep your garden from growing! They infest our homes! They are a
great source of protein!
Bugs! On our next "Whoorin' with Geraldo"

what? 
You didn't really think I was going to eat it did you??
Ha Ha get a grip!
(several interns and a line producer hold him down and shove the bug
down his throat)

 

 
 
 

Subject: Re: cake farting

Here at The Betty Crocker Museum of Food Related Art we pride
ourselves on having the largest collection of Cake Fart Art on the
West Coast.

You should really try to see it when you get the chance.

The Jackson Pollack alone is a wonder to behold!


Cherry Dumpcake

Curator, B.C.M.F.R.A.

 

 
 
Subject: Fluffy the Bunny
Fluffy the Bunny and Whiskers the Kitten were drinking big frosty
glasses of Homogonized milk and playing Chinese Checkers when
"knockity-knock" there was a knock at the door.

Who do you think it was but their old friend Turkey the Turkey who
needed malt liquor and a fake I.D. in the worst possible way.

Farmer Finch was away making AT and T long distance calling plan
commercials but his trusty dog Liver Loaf was just awake from a long
nap, busily licking his nads "slurpity-slurp" when he heard Turkey the
Turkey's car alarm.

Sorry, story's over, the bong is empty.

Beatrix Pothead

 

HOBO CAMPS, RIDING THE RAILS AND BURL IVES
(strumming guitar)

Hello all you poppin-jays and wiggly snappers and one eyed, slack
jawwed grizzly whippers!
Here's a little song all the white laced ladies with sanitary napkins
like to sing when the big ol' moon is pumpkin orange and the lady who
lives in the gingerbread house of un-american activities is seein'
bright red.
Hope you like it.
It goes something like this...

(sings)

Disney went-a squealin' with nothin' to say
uh-huh
Disney went-a squealin' with nothin' to say uh-huh
Oh Disney went-a squealin' with nothin' to say
Cept he worked with commies cause they wanted a raise 
uh-huh

(87 more verses. None involve Hobos)

Burl the Squirrel

 

 
 
Subject: Department of Dead Celebrities
The following changes will be enacted immediately with regards to this
departments handling of matters concerning dead celebrities.

All flicking of cigarette butts at dead celebrities will be henceforth
limited to filtered cigarettes and only at celebrities who have died of
natural causes.

Elton John will no longer be allowed to write or refashion any songs
in tribute to dead celebrities. It is the opinion of this department
that song tribute rights should be decided on the following: Who will
donate the largest sum to charity? Who will do the most publicity?
And, most importantly, Who has the biggest schlong?

Please make arrangements with the celebrities families in a more
timely manner. From now on all photo opportunities with dead
celebrities must be approved by this office in writing. (Except, of
course, celebrities dying of natural causes)

Rules outlined in this memo supercede all previous directives.

Your prompt attention to these matters and my trousers is greatly
appreciated.

R. Wilhelm Beechnut
Dead Celebrity Czar
 
 
 
Subject: Elephant Tranquilizer Martini
Stir well, using 3/4 cup cracked ice:

6 jiggers dry vermouth
19 jiggers Beefeater brand gin
3/4 cup Snoozey Q brand elephant tranquilizer

Twist over the top:
crushed peanut shell

or add:
a small seeded olive

     serves one elephant
 
 
     
     
     
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